Self Harm, Fad or Epidemic?

Believe it or not self harm has been around for centuries. Some cultures and religions include types of harming the body. These types of self harm are not what I am writting about in this post. Teens across the country are resorting to various forms of self harm in record numbers, so much so that it is considered to be epidemic. Self harm or nonsuicidal self injury is rapidly becoming the chosen method of dealing with the stresses of modern day life in schools across the nation. Cutting is not the only method used. Some kids use excoriaton, hair pulling, head banging, or burning their bodies with lighters, cigarettes or chemicals. The reasons vary, as do the backgounds of the kids who use this form of coping. Some are survivors of various kinds of trauma. Others are from very wealthy, upscale families who have no obvious reasons to inflict harm on themselves. Teens use self harm to deal with things like anxiety, depression, isolation, pain,lack of control, and a host of other "reasons".
All of them have one thing in common. They do not know how to deal with very strong or overwhelming emotions. Some feel that emotionally charged situations or events will actually kill them. All say they have never seen extreme emotions modeled successfully by any adult in their life. All of them say the compulsion to harm themselves is unrelenting and impossible to resist. They all say they experience immediate relief when they engage in self harm, no matter what the feeling is they are trying to control or avoid. They are willing to share their find with friends who may be experiencing diffulties in their lives. In a recent group of approximately 25 members of school districts, 100% reported seeing evidence of self harm in their students. Teachers and school staff report seeing self harm in children as young as 6, while most kids do not start using self harm until they are entering puberty. Girls are more likely to use self harm than boys, but boys are staring to use self harm to cope with feelings associated with sexual identity confusion. In a recent discussion with a local therapist who treats self harm, she reported the male clients she sees are more likley to act out their distress violently against others, especially the therapist. This is contrary to what has been noted in treating girls. There are relatively few studies that delve into the phenomenon of self innjury for a coping skill. There are however some recent reports emerging that lead to a possible genetic predisposition to self harming. What is known currently is kids who self harm have a mental health issue unerlying the need to cope with self harming behaviors. They may be experiencing depression or anxiety. Another common thread in all who self harm is it is not undertaken as an act of suicide.It is an act of desperation and one of trying to remain alive just one more day. Kids generally will try to conceal their injuries by harming in places easily covered by clothing such as the upper arms, inner thighs, trunk, hips and breasts. Eventually, the effects of the self harming doesn't work as well as it did and the person needs to up the ante and cut deeper or in a more tender area. The urge and need to self harm compounds itself until the ritual of self harming begins to become the focus of the day for the child or adult. They plan for opportunites to harm, and look forward to the release experienced when they do. They may have very complex rituals involving specifc instruments, pehaps in a specific location or a particlar time. The rituals may involve use of antiseptics and gauze after the harm to clean the wounds and dress them. It is not uncommon for those who self harm repetativley for long periods of time to become very knowledgable about the anatomy of the body so they know just where and how deep they can cut without doing permanent or terminal damage.
So as adults, where does all this leave us? What do we do if we discover our child or our friend is engageing in self harming? The main thing is be calm and non judgemental. Remember they have been using this to cope with some pretty scarry stuff and it is working for them for now. Be sure any injuries are not in need of medical attention. If they are and you are not capable of treating the wound yourself, go with the person to have the wounds treated. Be prepared to meet prejudice and stigma in the emergency room. Some medical professional have been known to place staples to close a wound without anethesia. Remember, these kids can feel pain just like anyone else can and deserve to be treated with dignity respect and compassion. Next, let the person now you are intersted in what is causing them to use this behavior and what they find it does for them. You really ned to listen and not judge. Validate it is working and they did try to solve the problem on their own and were successful, for now. Let them know they can stop and you will support them as much as you can. Let them know it is a process and you don't expect them to stop quickly. This will be like saying goodbye to a long trusted friend, much like saying goodbye to a drug of abuse is for an addict. Let them know you need to be able to trust they will tell you when they are feeling like cutting. Let them know you will help them talk through it, teach them to journal and discover the feelings and thoughts that lead up to the act. They will sometimes slip up, but the key is to keep moving forward. Once the feelings and thoughts are identified, then you can help them practice thougtt stopping. This will cause them to stretch the time out between the idea, the impulse and the act. With continued work, the minutes will become hours, will become days, and months until the person has successfully developed a healthy way to cope with most stressful emotionally charged situations. As new research emerges, we may learn more about what brain chemicals are triggered in specific individuals who self harm. The American Psychological Association is considering including NSSI in the upcoming edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual as a free standing diagnosis. This may be the first inroads to having self harm be covered by insurance companies for treatment. Until then, we can only strive to try what currently works, love, compassion and patience. There are several places that offer support for self harm. My recommendation is the SAFE Alternatives program out of Chicago. They can be found at www.selfinjury.com

The Stress of Childhood

On November 3, 2009 the American Psychological Association released a report detailing the impact of stress on kids, tweens to be exact. A tween is a kid aged 8-12, which can be a very difficult time for a child. They don't fit into the little kids group and they are too young for the teenagers groups.
The really interesting part of this study is while kids say they are more stressed and worried more this year than before, only a small percantage of parents believed their kids were stressed. 45% of kids say they are more stressed while 28% of parents say their kids are more stressed. This is in line with how often parents underestimate their child's other risky behaviors such as drug use, depression, and sexual activity.
While it is widely accepted adults are encountering more stress, it seems we think children are immune. Kids stress most often over their family financial issues, their appearance and their ability to fit in. Finanacial issues top the list and this may be a huge surprise to most parents. Granted this may be more true in a less afluent family, but it still has an impact which cannot be ignored.
If we look at what a child needs to feel safe, financial security is huge. No child can feel secure if they know they may not have a place to live, or food to eat. No child is immune to the stress of poverty. Imagine waking up and going off to school only to come home and find your family's posessions on the street. Your home is not yours any longer. People are walking by and whispering, "How sad."
Families are in crisis in our country. Our kids are carrying much of the stress we as adults carry. Kids don't have the coping skills to handle that much stress. Think of the impact on their school activites. Think of the impact on their physical health. Will we be seeing more kids with ulcers, sleep disorders and obesity as a result?
Bottom line is this: if you are stressed out, chances are, so are your kids. Talking to them about what they are thinking or worried about or scared about will help. Reality can be pretty horrible, but the unknown is far more frightening. Kids tend to "awfulize" things based on their fantastic imaginations and the inability to distinguish what might happen with what will happen.
Share with your kids. Listen to what they are saying and what they are trying to say through their behaviors. Stress relievers can work for kids too. Eat well, rest, exercise and take time to do something you really enjoy. Take time to really know what your kids are experiencing. You may be surprised to find they are just as worried about the future as you are. For some tips on helping kids and adults deal with stress go to www.smhc.org

Lost Generation

We adults will all agree kids have much more to deal with than when did when we were in school. Technology has shrunk the world into sound bytes and mere seconds of information bursts. But what adults generally find disagreement over is the amount of stress a child is encountering just trying to make it through an average day. Take time. Time is in short supply. Get up, hurry up, get dressed bag a quick breakfast if at all, and run to the school bus. Don't be late to class. There are no excuses. Two tardy's and your in detention. Then there are the social elements in schools. Imagine having to spend 8 hours in a place crammed with people whose sole reason to exist is to harass and bully, you sometimes to the point of physical assault, but always including emotional abuse which leaves much longer deeper scars. We can all agree security is a prime need for healthy children. Yet we tend to gloss over the effect of violent graphic news items depicting the death, rape, abduction brutalization and basic enslaving of innocent children by the adults charged with protecting them. Add to that fear. A fear of not knowing if they will have a place to sleep tonight, where it will be, will it be warm and safe. Or will they be huddled in a corner on a city sidewalk somewhere. Parents are another cause for worry. Will Daddy be drunk again he he gets home? If he is, how drunk and what can I do to be sure he doesn't get angry again? How can I be sure not to get hit? If mommy comes home at all, will she bring some strange people with her who keep trying to do strange unspeakable things to me? If there are other kids in the home, can I keep them from being hurt. I may be the only chance they have. The child now has adult responsibilites no child should have to handle. Police officers seem to be the enemy. They see a kid on the street and automatically they think , if your are a girl you are a prostitute. They don't hear your side of the story about how the guy who swears to look out for you actually wants a lot in return, usually involving some sex act with him or maybe many of his friends. The icons of what we adults hold as the trappings of childhood, ply hide and seek, daydreaming and bike riding, have been replaced with fear, anger, worry, stress, and panic. They all breed mistrust in a world the children don't understand and are trying their best to figure out as they go. This includes very little healthy adult input. I saw a group of about 30 teen aged kids who had just gotten off the school buses. They all ran to a vacant lot and started kicking and hitting a particular boy. The mob grew. The kid tried to run. They surrounded him and pushed him back into the mob waiting to hit him. They had him on the ground, kicking him in turn. He finally got up long enough to run a few steps, before they caught up to him again. Down he went. More kids arrived in cars. Gang signs flashed as as I watched in the rear view mirror while I was on the phone to the police dispatch. I watched as a young man pulled gun from in his pants and ran down the street pointing it at the boy who was being victimized. By now there were close to 100 kids.. still no adults but me. I don't know what the outcome was. I never saw a cruiser arrive. No one contacted me as the witness. I live in a relatively good part of town in 5A rated school distrcist with people who have modest means. I have never seen this type of mob mentality before. This boy has a long journey ahead of him, if he is still alive. This is a normal day in the live of many of our children. Just one millisecond away from the end of their lives. We all need to take a good look at what kind of a world we are bequeathing to our children. So far it seems their legacy is fear, anger, rage, violence, apathy, predatory tendencies and a world devoid of empathy and respect for something as divine and miraculous as a living being. Our kids stress levels are equal to if not greater than most adults,and they don't have any tools to deal. We need to recognize that childhood is no longer the time of innocence and carefree days of play and daydreaming. Our kids are being taught guerrilla tactics simply to survive. And we don't understand why teens who have babies end up beating them, or killing them. We can't conceive of how a mother can leave her baby alone for hours while she goes to a bar. We have no idea what it is like to be a kid today. Perhaps it is time we really start to see what our kids put up with from schools, teachers, adults, and the world around them. If we start reaching out to them now, maybe we can save a few before it is too late. The really scarry part of everytning I saw, was the kids involved were laughing and enjoying this incident where so much pain and suffereing was inlflicted. For More information on stress and its effects on kids please go to http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/stress.html